Dear Secret Anonymous Crush...

Hi everyone. It's May again. This past week was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. The major problem I had was making up my mind about what to write, which was quickly solved when my crush texted me and now I know, that I don't like missing people. I don't like knowing that I miss someone. I don't do well with the knowledge that I miss someone.
There's this squishy, uncomfortable feeling I get in my chest when I realize that I miss someone. It's even harder when I'm fighting it. Distance makes it easy sometimes, because at first, you miss the person so much and you get used to it. You tell yourself that "yes, I've stayed a few days without talking to this person or seeing this person, I can stay a few more, I won't die". It will hurt, yes, but slowly you learn to just be.

What I hate most of all, is learning to be without a person, struggling to be without this person, convincing myself that I'm free or that I don't want this person anymore. And all of a sudden, this individual comes back and it's like an electric shock hits me and buzzes through my body, then I realize, oh no, I never stopped missing you, I just learned to ignore it.

There's this boy on my cl that I've had a crush on for months. When this boy isn't online, I find a way to convince myself that I do not like him, that I do not want to talk to him, that I do not wish this pandemic would just end so I can find a way to see him. I can forget that he exists. I even play this game with myself where I archive and mute his chats so I can completely forget and pretend that he does not exist. What a joke. Guess what happens the moment he comes online and texts me? All of my forgetting goes out the window, I find myself smiling and giggling like a fool, responding to his texts with lighting speed and efficiency.

Of course, he lives several states away from me and so the probability that we'll even see each other once the isolation period is over is very low. But the point it, when I don't talk to this person, I can manage to convince myself that I really don't care anymore.

So now I'm forced to ask, do we really get over our exes? Or does the distance just help you "forget" what it felt like to love them? Do you just try to get busy, get your mind occupied with something else, anything, work, other relationships, any means of escapism just so you can buy time and "get used" to the feeling of missing them, being without them?

And is it simply easier to forget about your ex when you're far away from them? Does the feeling never really die? Is this why people find themselves succumbing to their exes charms when they see them again after a while, even when they've seemingly moved on and convinced themselves that they don't care anymore.

Perhaps feelings never really die, never really go away. Perhaps it's best to confront our feelings head on instead of avoiding them. Sadly, I almost never take my own advice, I'm addicted to avoidance but maybe by acknowledging that I'm avoidant, I'm already taking the right step towards mastering my emotions.

One thing I know for sure is that feelings are unpredictable, I barely understand mine, but I know that miss my crush and I'm too busy playing hide and seek with myself to do anything about it, so dear secret anonymous crush(es), text me when you get this(if you get this).

Have a pleasant week.
Stay Safe.

©May